Joyeux Noel

Its now February and Christmas seems a long way away. Enough space to be able to look back and laugh at our disastrous celebrations!
"No problem! Everyone come round to us for dinner" I confidently announce, whispering to Stephane later in the day the plans I have made for Christmas Day.
"He won't mind" I reassure my worried sister "he's used to cooking for the ten thousand"
She still didn't look convinced as if she could sense trouble around the corner. OK I admit Christmas is a stressful, busy time for restaurateurs but we've been doing this festive madness season for more than 15 years. However, no slick routine or well planned menu can compensate for a sudden loss of your key waiting staff. Stephane decides to take a fall down the fire escape stairs while tightly clutching an empty expresso cup during our busiest Christmas week. He is whisked into hospital to discover he has lacerated a tendon in his right hand!! Right hand I ask you! The right serving hand, the one supposed to be dishing out the turkey. And even more disastrous, the right hand that should be cooking Christmas dinner for my family!
I try to stay calm and begin to meticulously come up with plans to cook this enormous turkey with all the trimmings single handedly. You see I usually leave the kitchen to Steph during dinner parties while I make the table look pretty. I had already turned my dining room into a dreamy Christmas wonderland thanks to my local garden centre so my attention could now be focused on the whopping turkey Steph had ordered from one of our suppliers.
The restaurant somehow manages to get through the last few services without Steph and they close their doors with a massive sigh of relief.
"There are some fondant au chocolat left in the cool room" proclaims our sous chef as he leaps on to the eurostar back home.
I punch the air in celebratory fashion with the knowledge that at least dessert will live up to our professional standards. Owning a restaurant has its expectations. Everyone expects you to be able to deliver restaurant quality dishes at any time. And particularly on Christmas day!
Christmas morning is like any other morning except there are endless presents, endless cups of coffee followed swiftly by champagne. The turkey is in the oven and yet there is a strange stench in the air. I empty all the bins and light the first of my festive scented candles. Mmm that smells better. However it still doesn't smell very meaty and succulent. I choose to ignore and down another glass of champagne.
Eventually I take a closer look at the roasting bird. As I open the oven door the nasty stench I thought was the bin, wafts up my nostrils.
"Stephane" I yell " there's something wrong with the turkey"
I yank the hot heavy beast out of the oven, wrestle with removing some meat to see if it is edible before declaring it unfit for human consumption. No turkey. Oh my God, everyone will be arriving in thirty minutes and we have no bird!!
We are saved by ever practical Stephane who for some unknown reason had decided to buy a load of turkey crowns as quick meals for the kids. We haul them out the freezer, calculate the weight, portion size and declare there are just enough to go round.
"I don't want turkey ever again" I growl as I frantically spray the house with air freshener.
Dinner is served and dessert is a massive success, particularly the fondant au chocolat with mince pie ice cream.
Bad luck comes in three's. And our third disaster came at 7.30pm that evening as the dish washer was loaded and I was contemplating a gin and tonic. I answer the phone.
"Is that Mrs Luiggi? The alarm has gone off at French Living on King Street"
Luckily my mum had not indulged in too much champagne and was able to whisk me into Nottingham. Unfortunately it was not a false alarm. We had been broken into. Fortunately they only got away with a couple of bottles of champagne and a £1 off the tips plate.
I crawled home at 10.30pm, the party now over, everyone making their way home and thanking me for a memorable Christmas.